the couch

becoz it all becomes clear here!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

The three moves that will shake…

…my personal life!

I opened the door. While laughing heartily at my silly joke she stepped in. Then suddenly she was laughing no more. Something made her stop. I looked over her shoulder…

“Oh thaaat, argh, you know today morning I woke up earlier than usual and I didn’t quite have time to fix the mess.”

Nervous laughter as I quickly pick after my mess. Mama had warned me...


“(THWACK! THWACK!) Next time (THWACK!) when I tell you (THWACK!) to clean and make (THWACK!) your bed you will do (THWACK!) so. (THWACK!) You hear?

Well I heard, but didn’t listen. Classic case of in one ear right out the other. That’s another painful flashback. Not today.

I feel my sorry a*** as I remember the day and I float back to the present day.

She masterfully steps around my mess. I knew why I liked this one. Check those legs. NGGGG! She has nice legs, and unfortunately an even better nose. And so do I.

“What’s that smell?”

SNIFF! SNIFF! Oh s**t. It's the ugali I cooked last week and forgot to wash the sufuria.

“Oh thaaat. Hehe. Bana that is…the neighbours. I’ve always warned them about that sewage.”

She’s about to swallow my vibe when she walks into the kitchen to meet not-sparkling-clean kitchen. Ugali sufuria of last week. Sukumas of that same date. Cups with expired tea (the expiry date on the Ketepa pack said June 2008, the hoaxes). I can’t begin describing the mould we found on the plates…let’s just say, Hulk would have been incredibly jealous of the colour. Glow in the dark!

No guessing that my points tally had quickly dipped. I was in relegation zone. Even Juventus suffered an easier penalty.

Quickly I fetched water form my mtungi and quickly flooded the mould silly. Minus marks coz the crib has no running water. Bonus minus points coz the mtungi had something growing in it.

“Well everything is herbal. Colgate Herbal, Fair n Lovely is herbal so now si this is Herbal Water.” I joked.

The only laughter that could be heard bouncing off the plain walls was mine. She gave me such a serious stone face for a moment there she blended well with the wall.

I was now very well in Div 2.

Kitchen was sorted. Wasn’t actually but…for now. Peace reigned.

We finally found my seat, the Matrix seat, after I had finally gotten rid of the smelly socks and filthy yet wearable-another-day jeans. I call it the 'matrix seat' coz it reminds me of that scene when Morpheus was chatting with Neo (telly ni ya wanga kidogo). Minus marks coz she never liked Matrix, so she didn’t quite understand my love for a seat that had been rained on and has been a maternity ward for kittens. (Bantuts, I have your cat’s birth certificate).

She had cooled down and after thirstily scoffing down the juice (don’t ask where the water came from, she didn't, so why should you) I turned on the telly and sat on the cold floor to relax. I have only one seat remember. Relax though I couldn’t. Those bloody cats (Bantuts!!) that have made my roof a by-pass, were using my aerial to scratch their backs and sharpen their nails again. So for 30 minutes or so I was on the roof setting the aerial. I ended up connecting mine to the neighbours.

My lyrics must have been tight. Not once did she dare mention leaving. Well, the fact that it was getting late and she lived on the other side of town helped. (Guys, get a mama who stays millions of miles away and their mathrees end early) Bonus points for me…in my head of course. Bado mchezo was Div 2 lakini I was leading that table.

Speaking of table, supper was kuku sama na njiva (as the ad says). I got pity points coz I was hip and kept with the times. Most of her pals ate at Kenchic. (Oh, guys, if your getting a chick who stays far, don’t go tooooooooo far.)

Supper was done and a fake yawn later I declared it was (YAWN!) time for bed.

But first she wanted to freshen up.

“That’s okay with me. The bathroom is just there. Follow the sm…(sniff. Sniff)

There was no smell today. Phew! The day before there was water so I had flushed away my ‘baked beans’ and chapad ka-freshner I bought on one of my many successful trips to Nakumatt (unlike others)

“It’s just behind that door.”

I have those fitness loos where you must squat if you want to ‘squat’ (Kukata weight yaani).

“It’s okay. I’ll hold.”

She wasn’t fit and ‘lost appetite’ to use the bathroom. Needless to say, I also lost so many points that I found myself in Div 3.

Luckily, however, my bed helped my points tally. The low-rider pimped ‘dream ride’ with four inch ‘wheels’ was well received…plus it’s a strong ‘ride’. Coz after the midnight ride, oh yeah, I was back in the premier league.

But anyway, to cut the long story short, I was given a similar ultimatum that Abramovich gave ‘Maureen the whore”, improve or else. And since I want to keep this one…

(Flash forth) What do you call the opposite of a flash back?

Mr and Mrs Modo (bliss) with the little Modo (oh crap, not that brat) I return to reality panting. Ain’t no way I’m bringing a smaller version of me into this world. Not now anyway, I have to finish my karate classes first.

Okay, so I won’t keep this one, but the next perhaps.

Hence, my first move. In two months or less time I’m moving house. To a place with running water. And better loos. A place near a kiothe so supper can be there, therefore avoiding mould on ugali. A place ‘she’ (whoever she be) will continue laughing at my jokes even after walking in.

…my career!

“Excuse me sir, I have some sad news.”

“Why Modo? What’s wrong with you”

“I’m resigning”

“Oh come on. Bull****! Sit down man”

He goes back to his laptop to recover. He’s the boss he can’t lose his cool like that. Not in front of all people, me.

He types nothing for ten seconds, then he looks at me.

“Yes Modo, tell me, are you unhappy?”

Oh yes I am terribly unhappy. You have redefined the meaning of peanuts with what you pay me. I don’t like my creative director. He hogs all the work. Do you want to hear more?

Well, of course I didn’t tell him that. Hell, no. I gave him a speech about how I’ve been here for too long and I needed to move around and gain experience.

“Is it the money?”


No, sir, it’s not about the money. It’s the experience.

“Come on. It’s about the money,” he insists. “Then why don’t you go for the same amount we are paying you here?”

They have more peanuts than you.

I can’t, I tell him.

“Or why didn’t you go for 5k more?”

Come on.

“So you see, it’s about the money.”

At this point I had given up and just resigned myself to looking at him babble along. In my mind I was busy thinking of other important stuff.

“Come on Modo, think about your career…(should I now get a 29 inch TV)…don’t just go some…(now I can impress that chick next door)…those other places are useless, man, we…(oh no, I can’t impress her, I’m moving out soon)…this is the best place you want to…(now should I SMS her…hold on mr. boss man is talking, let me listen to him)…we are a secure company. We could send you abroad, if you’re tired.”

This goes on for like 30 minutes, but I’ve already made up my mind. He dismisses me, with a “this is not over yet” and I agree and say we’ll see.

After many days of trying to convince me to stay, it finally sinks into his little head that this dude when he makes up his mind, it’s set in fast-drying long-lasting cement.

So yeah, at the end of the month, Modo will be posting from a new place. Where the grass is greener, the honey is sweeter and the milk is richer than Tuzo or Brookside.

...the blogosphere!

Yes. I’m moving my couch to a new digs. I too am packing my couch for WordPress. I’ve been experimenting there for the past few weeks and soon it will be my new home. Come over for a taste of the couch at Tengeneza that link.

So, new digs, new job, new blog…but it's the same ol’ me. Modoathii, son of baba modoathii and mama modoathii. Sister to my brother's sis. And brother to...yes...him.


Like the famous dirge...Till we meet again!


Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Uganda Exposed - the final episode

I come to the close of my very short career in photography with these pictures of the Bungee place in Jinja. (Still can't remember the name)

Well I didn't bungee but I did binge. Later.
First up is this route map (ish) to Egypt via the Nile. Actually, it's a board where the guys who feel mountainous but can't get to a mountain come and test their spidey skills. Nick/Nik/Spidey will love this.

This is just in case you can't handle the bungee jump or the rapids of the Nile. You can call mummy dearest.

There's the 'launch pad'. 'Bladders' are fungwad kwa mguu and you jump all the way....down! and dip your head in the waters of the Nile.

That's how it looks from below! Notice the Nile beer bottle. That's the bungee for the drunks. Bungeee(hic)eeeeee!

That is where you dip your head. Are you seeing that little blue boat (on the left)? That's where you collect your 'remains' after a successful bungee.

Yours untruly 'down there' chapaing a pose for the camera. I was actually looking at the deadly view of the Nile from there.

Cheki that view msee. If you threw an empty Smirnoff bottle, it would get to Egypt after like a few months. I think we were told a couple of months. SIKUMBUKI!

Up theeeere, is the place we binged.

This shot made my day. I placed the camera preca...pre-c-a-r-i-o-u-s-l-y on the blue boat/raft/canoe/whatever and skipped back up like 30 steep steps to quickly pause for this shot. Then I had to rush back down and retrieve the camera before it wound up in the Nile and eventually Egypt...on a date like today's.

More views from the 'ground' level.

These were from up above.
Kuleeeeeeeeeeeeee, ndio Egypt msee! Can you see a pyramid?

Look at the bumble bee...ding'oing'o for others. And for the ladies, how cuuuute? woishe!

Sun was setting and it was time to hit the road, and I manged to beat some nice sunset shots. Ideal for closing this show of mine and leaving camera work to the like of Easy Going Man (LOL) and Mocha and..and...yes you hapo. Usiangalie nyuma...wewe...

Normal, wordy posts resume soon. I'm done with UG for now. I did TZ the other Dec but nilikuwa masikini sikuwa na kamera, so memories are in my head.


1st Place - duh!
2nd Place - Tied, Ug and duh!

In all honesty, every place has it's own uniqueness. Example, when it comes to landscapes and peeps (despite everything I love our people) Kenya tops. When it comes to parrey harrey and constant fun things to do cheaply, Ug tops. When it comes to a place that's easy and relaxing...I'm definitely heading for Dar.

All in all, EAST AFRICA TOPS!!!!

Just as long as I can get a place to take my madness to, I'll love it.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Uganda Exposed - Episode 3

Previously on Uganda Exposed, the beaches and the b***hes.

Today on Uganda Exposed, the Tanzanian exposed! TZ's greatest export. (Mazee alafu ikuwe ni blogger atanihanda mpaka ni-die)

Plus the source of the nile in all its grandeur (WEEEEEUUUU! BIG WORD ALERT! BIG WORD ALERT!)

It was a nice nyummy morning...let me say afte coz guys woke up late as usual. Club Silk had shikad the night before. So first stop was GC (Garden City). This my people is like the Vilage M of ours. Kumbe all shopping malls are the same during the festive season.

I couldn't get a clear shot of the 'City' itself coz...see for yourself,
That's as much as I could get a shot off. That is the main gate entrance. Nakuambia there was always a jam outside. Wale wadhii wote wanataka kuingia huko...tsk. tsk. tsk.

Here's a shot of how it looked like inside...outside.
Okay, the picture that showed the packed parking lot ili-lost. But just check at the base of the picture you may get a hint.

That's the skyline you see from GC. We had to take these chap chap kabla bouncer atucheki.
The impressive Stanbic Building.

We stocked up on our aspirins, panadols, hedex, tumbex etc and we were off. But first we needed to buy more film so we passed by Shoprite. I stayed in the car this time and boy did I have a little fun on my own...

Any guesses where this is? The power of boredom mixed with kidogo innovation and a camera fully loaded with film in hand.

Alafu nikaangalia mbele nikamuona huyu...

Are you seeing the angles I caught her from? Don't joke my camera can see round corners. EGM you may have skill of panoramic/paromaniac shots lakini chunga, try periscopic shots.

Oh, nimepata hiyo picha ya GC parking lot.


Baada ya kuburudisha macho we hit the road. We were rendezvousing (eish...even typing it was issues) with the Ugandan guy and the two chicks. The Ghanaian and the (drumroll) the (thank you), the...(thank you, you can stop the drum roll NOW! Thank you!) and the TZdian.

Tulikaa masaa...
Tick tock went the clock.

We linked up with our buddy and the goodies (still unseen to me). They were in another car. And we were off.

If this was in Kenya, i'd be reading "you are now leaving Kampala. Safiri salama." messages. This is the landmark that informs all tourists they are now entering Kampala. But we were leaving so of course you can't see the message.

We kamatad that road (Jinja Road) and there was no looking back...
Unaona vile kamkono kangu kameparara?

Looking ahead...

The road to Jinja has lots of views and excitement. Like the Mandela Ssssutadiooom (put a jang' accent)

Then we found ourselves behind this 'airliner'
Check out the 'Mash Auto' graphics.

Then we had to concentrate coz of the speed limit...
Is it any surprise we missed the bus.

We needed water for the trip so we made another 'pitstop'
Check out the weapon. Dude, you buy ngata in fear...if your Kenyan that is, me in particular.

Now the landscape was breathtaking.

This is the (for the lack of a better word) bushy stretch between Champara and Indinda. Somewhere along this stretch is the 'grand prix' stretch where those with roho clean out the cobwebs in their speed-o-metres.

And indeed we fungukad. The guy we were driving with clocked a cool 180. DUDE! and DUDELETTES! Roho ilichapa like it has never chapad before. 144 beats per 30 seconds. After I recovered I checked where the other car was...
Ndio wale ukoooooooooooo. Uko uko. Kuleeeeeee. Remember objects in this mirror aren't as close as they seem.

The view of this church was breathtaking. It stood all alone, lakini I was so mesmerized by it, that I remembered too late to snap it. But to compensate...check out the mandinyos. Nice eh?

Then finally we arrived to the place where this jungu called "Owen" kept falling. The locals eventually called it Owen Falls.
The car infront is always a Toyota. And in this particular Toyota rode beauty and the b....Tanzanian (sijasema kitu).

Waters from 'the source'.

Hyacinth removers.

Power plant.
Some 'villa'. Here I was chezaing with zoom.

Now this is a good example of a bad shot. I put camera on auto focus. Kumbe now Mr. Minolta (me camera) was focusing on the meshwire fence. My eye on the other hand was set on the view.
That's nice meshwire though.

Between where Owen fell and the source of the Nile was bila drama. Until we landed...
Goofers, doofus and the what-the-F! mtized. That's my boy, me and yes, the TZedi, at the source of the Nile. Sisemi kitu. (na isikuwe ni mmoja wenyu)
That island there is actually the 'true' source. Mzungu fulani alichoka akaangalia left na right akaona duuu! Hii ndio source. And the villagers gave thunderous applause. Makofi ya stima!

Beyond there is Lake Victoria.

That's the 'cabin' near where we set up our table and drowned the local tanyes.
On the way to the 'pinting' spot.

Then we tried deciding which was the best spot.

Once settled I took in the surroundings.

Then later after a few taskwinjes and pilinjes we got on a boat. We wanted to check out the source for ourselves...That's us. Of course I was the happiest child. This kaboat had only three life jackets. I grabbed the extra one. But honestly cheki how well fed those guys are, they'll float. Us skinny balinskis will cut the water like knives on butter.

And the...

Yet again.

This is one peti that amused me. The logo is Einstein's formula. The boat kumbe was sponsored by them.

Below are the sights we encountered. Plus you will observe I made my first step towards a career at national geographic.
Hukoooooo ni Kenya.
The tour guide told us the names of these birdies lakini akili was on taskwinjes. I gitched nada.

We were now standing at the source.

There's a bird in there somewhere...THERE! Umeiona? It must have flown away. No it's still there.

There's another bird here too. Angalia vizuri.

Citi Hoppa ya maji huchukuliwa hapa. Lake Hoppa.

We were informed this is 'robben island' of ug. Somewhere there is a prison.

No, these are not inmates. These are mongos who were crossing to the other side. They don't take the 'hoppa' they have a private ride.
Speaking of which, check this. A guy had pimped his ride. Can you really call it a Land Rover anymore? Water Rover!

Dinosaur Mkali! No wonder Sailing Club closed. You can't let outdated creatures run across your compund like that. You scare all the kids.

From whence we came from

On our return trip, we snuck up on these impressive eagles...sneak......sneak...
WOOW! Check out the wingspan. I was so thrilled. And how cool is this. This was the last exposure. Can you ask for a better way to end your film? National Geographic, my number is seben seben sigisteen, fortey nine, sigisty fortey holla.

So, it was back to enjoying my pint, that was between a rock...And place?

Till next time, it's been real. Ug was real.

Next episode, the BUNGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! that wasn't.

Disclaimer, any resemblance to anyone alive or dead, blogger or not, is purely incidental. It wasn't me.