The day I came…

I have no sense of time.

I have no idea what time is anyway.

All I know is I’ve been here for quite a long time. It’s about time I get out. So I kick as hard as I can.

A God-like voice, that has been there for as long as I can remember, breaks the muffled noise and commotion going on outside.

“It kicked. It wants to get out.”

A long silence follows on the outside as they wait for another sign. I’m also waiting for a sign from them. Nothing from me. Nothing from them.

Then everything goes back to the way it was. As though nothing happened. I get pissed and this time I raise hell from inside. I cause so much trouble that I notice a leak from where I am.

I have burst something.

Someone outside speaks, again in that language I can’t understand.

“Her water broke.”

Then there’s pandemonium. Tables. Bottles. Chairs. Basically, all hell is breaking loose out there. In here, though I am curious about what is going on, I’m trying my best to plug the leak.

At some point, before I fall asleep dead-tired from my efforts, I hear another alien…

“Keep the party going. And don’t finish the weed dudes. I’ll be back.”

Who are these and what are they saying?

I wake up to silence. Except for the constant bleeping of some machine outside.

It’s quiet.

Too quiet.

I hear twelve chimes and yet another ‘alien’ speaks,

“20th. Now that’s a special day.”

How many of them are out there.

Later I hear one chime.

Okay. This is boring.

I want out. And I want out NOW!

“IT’S TIME! IT’S COMING! MAN YOUR STATIONS!

What did they say? Whatever. I’m coming out. By now I get a feeling that my quiet escape won’t be so quiet after all. It sounds like many are waiting for me outside.

DAMN!

I see it.

A light.

Someone screams.

Others are shouting. I’m still not understanding why my escape seems to be causing such excitement.

I head for the light feet-first. I want to hit the ground running. But some idiot has different ideas. He shoves hands inside.

HEY! Don’t push me back. I want out.

The hands turn me around.

Oh. So that’s how it’s going to be?

Head-first? Fine.

Here I come.

It’s bright. And cold. And not in the least bit wet.

Suddenly I don’t want out.

Let me stay.

Someone shouts.

PUSH! PUSH!

Whatever ‘push’ means I’m not coming out.

The same hands that turned me round are now pulling at my head. Behind me some unseen force is pushing my sorry arse out. These guys really want me out.

In the ‘alien’ language I hear,

“This one will be trouble. Push one more time. PUSH!

A scream.

POP!

I’m out.

It’s freezing out here. And too damn bright. I don’t even want to open my eyes.

I hear two chimes.

“2 o’clock.”

I hear relief and more alien lingo.

“Congratulations! It’s a boy.”

Shouts of joy.

What’s every one excited about?

I’m slowly adjusting to my new-found ‘freedom’, when I’m whacked on the back.

WHAT THE F***! (The only alien word I picked up after overhearing some muffled conversation while still inside)

‘He’s crying. He’s healthy.”

Joy all around.

I’m still not opening my eyes.

A few seconds later, I’m wrapped in some warm stuff and placed next to another even warmer ‘thing’ that wraps its arms around me.

CLICK!

There’s a connection with this ‘thing’. I smile.

“Oooh, he smiled!”

It’s that sweet God-like voice again, now quite clear. I’m beginning to feel very comfortable with this ‘alien’.

Right about this time I become hungry. I have my first feast at the one and only ‘fast-food’ joint I know. Boy, do I feast.

I then fall asleep at the ‘table’.

I wake up still in the arms of my ‘alien’. It feels nice.

“Want to hold him?”

My ‘alien’ asks another.

“Yes. But…”

“Go on. He’s your son. Don’t worry.”

I’m now in another alien’s hands. Hmm. This one is a bit clumsy.

Come on dude hold me properly.

“OOPS!”

I’m floating. Nothing is holding me. It’s a great sensation until my head connects with something hard. A sharp pain bolts from my head to the rest of the body.

“You dropped him!”

I’m beginning to learn that this is one painful place.

I can’t take it any more. I open my eyes to see what the hell is going on.

My ‘alien’, with the most beautiful face I’ll ever see, picks me up.

“Oh, he’s opened his eyes.”

I’m still mesmerized by my ‘alien’ when she gestures to herself.

“I’m mummy,”

She points away.

‘That (who dropped you) is daddy.”

I turn and my heart skips a beat.

Dude, this guy has hair all over. But he’s kinda handsome. If you look hard enough. Which is what I’m doing.

“Why is he looking at me that way?”

“Maybe if you had just shaved first.”

“Aw, come on. I didn’t have time. We were in the middle of a (hippie) party remember?”

I have no idea what they are saying.

He looks at me intently too. He then screws his face and reaches this huge finger towards my mid section. Then in an even stranger language he speaks to me.

“Coochy coo! Booga boo! Ptrrr!”

WHAT THE HELL! GET AWAY FROM ME!

At this time I’m waving my hands around in some serious karate move I’d been practicing while in solitary. And I give the famous karate sounds.

“He’s crying,” says my ‘alien’ mum, in a soothing voice. “Don’t worry, he’ll get used to you.”

I gotta learn this language.

I return to the warmth of ‘mummy’ and I fall asleep.

The next time I wake up we are moving out of this cold place and heading to what ‘mummy and daddy’ are calling…

“Okay, modoathii, we are here. Home.”

It’s excitement all around as four other little aliens rush to meet us. They all speak the alien language. Except one who seems to also know my language. Finally.

He’s just a little bigger than me and has trouble operating on the two protrusions I notice we all have.

He staggers towards me.

He looks at me strangely.

“Wassap dude.” I ask.

He continues to stare at me and reaches a smaller finger (compared to ‘daddy’s”) to my cheek. I’m smiling, then he pinches me.

OUCH! (in baby language between me and him). What are you doing?

“Listen n****, for quite some time I was the last born around here. Everything revolved around me. And now you are here to mess it all up.”

Hey, I had nothing to do with anything. I was a happy little sperm minding my own…

“Don’t give me that.”

Whatever.

“Listen hot shot,” he continues. “You’ve got shit-loads to learn,”

He sniffs the air.

“Speaking of shit…(in alien language) MUMMY! POO POO!”

What’s, p…p…poo…poopoo?

“Aw, modoathii, you’ve messed up” she says lovingly.

Oh! So that’s POO POO!

It stinks!

Indeed, I did have lots to learn. And I have.

So today (20th October) unlike many others where the celebration has always been the same, (at 2 am, I pour my favorite refreshment, ice-cubes dipped in vodka and coke and toast to a great life) I’m sitting here alone and thinking about my life. Past, present and future.

I pay mad respect to my mum (God rest her soul) who for 19 years struggled to lainisha my centre bolt of life.

After 3 decades I think I’ve done it all. (except what they tried to teach me)

It’s now time to chill…a bit…and do what I grasped from their teachings.

Step one…bibi.